You’ve always been really honest about your struggles
BB: It honestly took me a very long time to get myself together, I’d say at least twenty years. I didn’t really get it and I had a hard time getting my program down so that I could figure out who I was and what I wanted. It has only been in the last ten years that I have figured out myself and my real needs. All of the other years leading up to that were filled with trials and tribulations, constantly failing and not always learning from my mistakes.
Starting over from the bottom was really hard, but it was either that or I had to give up and I just wasn’t ready for that yet. I felt like I had so much more to teach or say, and like I hadn’t really left my mark yet. It was like my bucket list was only starting to take shape and so I had to stick around because I’ve got way too much energy that I can’t let go to waste. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel here (laughing), but I’m not ready to die yet either.
What kinds of things do you do to save yourself now when life starts to get really heavy?
BB: When I’m in a dark spot I make myself stay busy and I also reach out to people. I get tired of doing things only for myself, I bore myself (laughing). I also decided at fifty to reinvent myself and to start doing all of the things that I’ve been afraid to do or have failed at over the last few decades. I don’t have a man in my life and I honestly don’t even care. I’m really at peace in my own life and with the things that I have going on, so I don’t need a man coming in here and interrupting my focus.
Maybe most importantly, I finally have learned to trust my intuition and I should have done that years ago (laughing). So many times something will happen and I end up thinking, “God, I should have listened to myself.”. Now when I get that feeling I listen to it. I’ve had to learn some of the worst lessons over and over again until finally, I’ve gotten them. Now I know to trust that little voice in my head because it’s usually right.
You seem like someone that benefits from real structure in your life. Are you a planner?
BB: I’m definitely a planner. I have ADHD so I had to get that under control first, but I’m not a fly by the seat of my pants type of person. I need the discipline and if I don’t stick to a plan I get lackluster and lethargic. I hate that feeling so I try and stay constantly busy. It doesn’t matter if I’m working for myself or helping a friend or my family, but I need to do something. I just give and I expect nothing in return. Expectations generally lead to false hope so I really try to go into all endeavors with none of those. Just give for the right reasons and one day it’ll all come back to me, even if it’s on judgment day. I just give, it’s who I am and it’s something that I’ve really accepted about myself. In order to have a great friend you first must be one. I truly believe that and so it’s what I strive to be. Family and friends are what matter most to me.
How have your experiences affected the way that you’ve raised your own daughter?
BB: I’ve been very honest with my daughter for her entire life. Even as a young child I was very honest with her and I feel like because I was always very communicative, she has always known that she can tell me anything and not be embarrassed. I didn’t have that with my own mother and so I learned about things by experiencing them, usually way too early. I shouldn’t have experienced a lot of things that I have so young and maybe I wouldn’t have, had I known better. Like when my daughter turned sixteen, I was having sex at that age and I realized just how young she still was and how I couldn’t even think about her doing something like that so very young. I shared very honest details with her about what it’s like and what happens and so she ended up waiting several more years before having sex. She’s also still with that same guy which is amazing. I think that because I was honest with her and communicated with her on every level, to the point of grossing her out (laughing), I think it did what I had hoped it would do, it kept her from doing these kinds of things too young.
Were you able to communicate with your own mother so openly, or were things just kind of shoved under the carpet?
BB: When I was young I asked my mom what rape was because I had heard something about it on television. She replied, ‘No, no. You heard rake, he got hit with a rake.”, so those were the types of answers that I got and it affected me. We never had any of those big talks and I knew that I didn’t want that for my own child. It’s important for your kids to be able to talk to you no matter what. Even if it disappoints you it’s important that they can bring those things to you too. My daughter and my friends’ kids all know that they can always call me for a ride if they end up in a bad situation. They always have an out because I will always come and get them and that’s really important too. You may not purposely go into a bad situation but sometimes you find yourself there in the middle of one and knowing that you aren’t stuck is crucial. I’m glad to be able to be that type of adult that kids can trust and confide in.
I feel like people oftentimes just don’t give their children credit for just how smart they really are. I have so many friends whose kids come to talk to me about serious issues because they feel like they can’t tell their parents. My daughter would have sleepovers and we would have a floor picnic, which meant we would sit and eat food while I talked to them about all of the things that they couldn’t bring to their parents. They would ask questions and I would answer honestly and then end by suggesting that maybe they shouldn’t mention this conversation to their mom (laughing)- or to the Catholic nuns at school (still laughing). You know, those people that wouldn’t be happy with me but, I felt like these conversations were important and they were asking legitimate questions.
I don’t know if the fear and shame are as heavy as they were in our day, thanks to the awareness raised by things like The #MeToo Movement, but I feel like there’s a different level of confusion now that has been created by being so honest. I feel like there is a happy medium somewhere, but I feel like we’ve jumped right over it and went right to the other extreme. Part of me feels like we are almost too open and too analytical about every single comment made, and at the same time, we’re dealing with bills about abortion that are trying to take us back in time. We need to find the balance because the confusion caused by the two extremes doesn’t really serve anyone very well. It’s a scary time.
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